take a walk thru my life

i need slping pills...

2009-02-19T02:30:00.002+08:00

it was around 4am yesterday when i was finally able to fall asleep.. however.. it was more like taking a nap becoz i woke up at 6 to go to the airport... i survived the day with only 2hrs of sleep... i was expecting myself to be able to fall aslp alil earlier becoz i was already feeling the tiredness and soreness while i was having dinner... but now.. it turns out that i cant fall aslp again.... hai... why cant you just spare me from having sleeping prob.. at this rate i will really die very young..

broken...

2009-02-18T11:29:00.002+08:00

i used to be able to soar... i used to dare to do things other people dont... i didnt care what other would do to me.. even if they made me fall... i will still get up and go straight at them and continue to jump... someone once told me one day i am gonna regret doing this if i dont learn to protect myself... i think what he said might be true after all...

after so many yrs... i only realised last night that all thats left in me now is a sore right knee...strengthless ankles... and a passionless physical body... i wouldnt even dare to say i have a soul... i might have to accept that its over...

i am trying...

2009-02-15T16:48:00.004+08:00

reasons why i am still jobless now...

1. i missed 1 offer last month due to personal reasons...
2. i must admit that i have become slightly lazier...
3. i have the mindset that i am gonna have to work like a dog for at least 30 plus yrs of my later life... why so anxious to find a temporary job now...
4. i have saved up enough not to work... and i haven taken a single cent from my parents...
5. i did so much shit in ns... done almost every appointment i could... in fact i overworked as compared to others... so surely i deserve a break...
6. working means i gotta give up alot of time for something else... my thinking of opportunity cost is different from other pple...

so many reasons... but that doesnt mean i am not gonna work la... i am trying to find.. its only been 2 months... i was busy for the first month of the year..
anyway... like i ve always said... only time will tell...
nothing comes easy...

its ok...

2009-02-14T02:38:00.002+08:00

the sun is up should be feeling great...

your feeling rough got too much on your plate...

a busy day got alot to do...

a heavy head you think you've caught the flu...

something deep inside begins to stir...

spirit, conscience your not really sure...

its gonna be ok...

its gonna be ok..

you close your eyes try to sleep...

scold yourself for hours that you keep...

drifting off will i dream tonight?

in my dreams perhaps i will get it right...

something deep inside begins to purr....

its gonna be ok...

its gonna be ok either way...

done this... miss that... give and take loh... haha

2009-02-13T01:06:00.002+08:00

Life is like a giant puzzle...

Each of us has a picture in our minds...

of how our lives will turn out...

We keep adding pieces, one at a time...

attempting to create that beautiful picture...

If one piece does not fit, we replace it...

with another...

We never get all the pieces in the right place...

on the first try...

Its all about experimenting until each piece...

fits together with the next...

Though our futures may not be clear...

or turn out exactly as we expected...

each of us has the strength inside to put...

the puzzle together...

We just have to look for the right pieces...

It may seem impossible, but keep striving...

Life's pieces have a way of falling into place...

when you least expect it...

sometimes...

2009-02-12T03:09:00.001+08:00

sometimes even i get irritated with myself... i am really suffering from insomnia...

not gonna change...

2009-02-10T01:57:00.001+08:00

yup thats it... i ve made up my mind... and its not gonna change so easily... in fact.. i dont want it to change... i am leaving it to god's hands now...

darkness...

2009-02-07T03:06:00.003+08:00

i remember when i was still a lil kid... i would be very afraid of the dark... i wouldnt dare to wake up late at night to go to the toilet alone... and sometimes i would sleep with the lights on.. and yet... i always stay up late to watch vampire shows... that was me when i was young.. lil did i know that i would grow up to be someone who actually spends more time awake at night than in the day time... i am able to move freely around the house in the darkness and there is never one day i slpt earlier than 3am... darkness is more like a friend to me now as i find the night more enjoyable than day time... if only i have a car.. i bet i will still be outside somewhere driving around...

no more...

2009-02-06T02:25:00.003+08:00

this is going to be the last time i am going to organise something like this... sad to say but i just dont feel appreciated... having to keep chasing pple for answer... and liked i ve said.. i notify so early so that people wont give me stupid reasons not to turn up.. yet.. so many are not coming... be it that way... nxt time dont expect anything from me anymore... if thats the way you all wanna play with me...

back home...

2009-02-02T02:08:00.002+08:00

back from another trip again... seriously... nxt time i am going back to my grandma's house... i must lose at least 3kg becoz i gained 2kg from my stay there... the food there is simply irresistable.. my grandma's and aunties' cooking are great.. just cant have enough of it... and every night we will drive outside and enjoy some satay and teh tarik... aint this kind of life enjoyable... most probably my nxt trip back there will be in dec... for my cousin's wedding... i am looking forward to that...

lifes good...

2009-01-29T11:39:00.002+08:00

it just makes me feeling like giving up on everything... makes me wanna stop trying so hard to get something...

back to where i belonged...

2009-01-27T01:42:00.001+08:00

in afew hrs time...i will be on my way back to my grandma's place... the place where i was borned... the place where i would have grown up at if i hadnt move to singapore... i could still remember when i was still in kindergarden... every time i go back to my grandma's place... i will cry when its time to come back to singapore again.... i believe its because i still had fond memories of the place when i was at that age... however now... times are different... my cousins have all grown up just like me... they have their own things to do and so do i... but every time i go back... they will definitely take time out and accompany me...

as i have said... its gonna be a good 5 days away for me to think... i thought i always knew what i should do... and i always do whats best for everyone... but in the end........

a quiet chinese new year's eve...

2009-01-26T02:58:00.002+08:00

it was a really quiet chinese new year's eve with only me and my mum in the house... dad went back to segamat in the afternoon... so this year's reunion dinner was QUITE special...

went to the NUS bash yesterday... besides looking at the winner tracce chua from the arts fac.. there wasnt much to do... i felt alil out of place... maybe i am really just unfriendly.... even though i had expected it to be like that.. for some reasons i still wanted to go...

i said i would have done the same even if it was someone else... come to think of it again... maybe i was bluffing... there are only afew people now who could really make me worry for them... but why is it afew and not only one... i wish i could be clearer with what i really want... anyway.. i will be going back to malaysia from tues until sunday.. maybe that would be a great time for me to think...

maybe if you all could just help me out...

mamboless night...

2009-01-22T02:31:00.002+08:00

oh well... after a long struggle... i sticked to my words yea... i said i would be taking a break this week and i did it... eaing chips.. drinking meiji coffee milk and listening to mambos on my com instead of zouk... haha... but just like i said.. it was really a verryy long struggle... so i should say i sticked to my words.... seriously i was quite disappointed yesterday but what can do... i dont like to blame pple or dislike pple... i will only look at myself and ask myself what have i done wrong instead... where have i not tried hard enough... i dont want to lose any more friends... thats why i should still be silent about it..

decisions...

2009-01-20T00:18:00.002+08:00

its been awhile... i thought after i orded.. i would be able to blog more often.. but it seems like i am getting lazier as each day pass by without doing anything really meaningful... went to ntu to watch the ivp semis just now... nus lost to tp as expected... nyp nearly won but zhanghao scored a dramatic 3 pointer with 1.4 secs left to force the game into OT... from then on theres no doubt ntu will be the eventual winner becoz both the main scorers for nyp were already tired like hell... so it was really a good and lucky day for ntu... during this ivp.. pple from everywhere have been asking me which school i will be going and whether i will be playing ball... i really dont have an answer to that... although i think it would be quite a waste if i do not carry on playing... but seriously i think there are so many better things to do out there than just going for training... matches.... i want to try other stuffs....

22...

2009-01-15T06:06:00.002+08:00

what do you get when you times 11 with 2... you get 22... and yes... thats how old i am now.... as usual every year this day is a very quiet day for me.... i did thought of throwing a party but..... i am lazy to plan... so.. maybe next time... haha.... how lucky is it that my bday falls on a wed... which means i cant really avoid going to zouk right... haha.. excuses.... went with the usual group of guys plus i got to know a new girl friend who were with ken and zz.... i am keeping my lips sealed over some stuffs which happened quite some time ago that made me feel alil paiseh... but nvm.. nobody shall know about it... haha... i think drank quite alot today but i am still feeling super sober and awake now... had loads of fun tonight and maybe this is the last for this month... i should really starting finding more meaningful things to do....
i know... i am trying... but it still feels so strange...

Gotta be somebody...

2009-01-13T01:46:00.001+08:00

Nickelback Lyrics
Gotta Be Somebody Lyrics

2009-01-08T05:40:00.002+08:00

i am back at home at this time as usual on a Thursday morning... this is becoming more like a weekly routine as my parents wont even have to ask me where i am going on wednesday night because they already know where i will be at...i really know that at this age i should do this lesser already but really if i have something better to do... i wont go to zouk so often already... i already know who or what can stop me but... when is the right time to speak up and try? i really dont know... i still feel scared when i think of the past...

much better...

2009-01-05T06:46:00.003+08:00

actuallyi think i am not too hard to please after all... every now and then i keep complaining this and that... keep wondering why theres no one by my side for me to share my problems with... and why nobody seems to understand my needs... however i noticed something yesterday... i did feel much better after talking to some people... the people whom i hold dear to... it was just normal chatting but it really did take my mind off the issues i didnt want to think of... i felt that was enough... you do not need to know what is my problem.. because eventually i am the one who will need to attend to that problem.... just treat me with sincere... and i am more than happpy already...

screwed up...

2009-01-04T03:10:00.002+08:00

this is supposed to be where i can say things freely... but yet i dont feel like doing this tonight... i know people will read them and some will ask me what happened... but why do i even want to bother other people... just fuck it man.... just accept the fact that this is my life... i cant change my history... where i come from... which surname i carry... if its such a big deal

why zhengyang why...

2008-12-30T06:21:00.002+08:00

once again i find myself still awake at this hour having reached home not long ago from aiksiang's place... seriously i did not intend to stay there till so late if not for the man utd match.. of course he is the reds fan not me... i felt really really disappointed today... not with me but with everything thats happening...that has happened...or going to happen... i am just not doing anything right.. though that is not unusual... but why... i keep asking myself.. why did i take a step back... was i 1 step slower... or i just didnt have the courage to take that extra step... i am not starting to regret anything or what but i really wish to know WHY... just what was i thinking at that point of time... there are so many things i want to say but i wont... its definitely going to be better this way... i know my place...
anyway... finally it has been confirmed where i will be heading this wed for countdown after such a long discussion...

what does it mean...

2008-12-26T02:08:00.003+08:00

if its really true that only people who belongs to the same world are suited for each other... then who belongs to mine?

did some early CNY shopping with my parents...auntie and uncle today... went to china town and vivo city... it was damn crowded but the sale going on was good... i think i have signed at least 1000 bucks this month already... i am so dead... but 700 goes to the ps3 which i have just bought la.. sian.. nothing new is going on in my life... plain boredom... dont even know why i am living this kind of life now... sleeping at dawn and waking up when people have already finished their lunch... HAI...

hello night...

2008-12-22T03:18:00.002+08:00

had a mahjong session at wanmei's place last night.. played all the way until around 8am this morning... reached home and slept at 9.... when i woke up... it was already close to 4pm.... seriously... i dont know what i am doing... people have to start saying goodnight to me in the morning already.... i have neglected my exercises... only ran once last week... i need to get my life back on track...

all night long...

2008-12-20T03:42:00.002+08:00

she was there that night... alot of people were... yet i saw everybody else except her... what does this means... i say... we are just not fated to meet... even at such a small space... even if we did bump into each other... nothing is going to change... i want to move on.. and i think i am moving on...
human greed is very scary... i think somehow somewhat everyone has some greed in them.. i am no exception... we want the best of everything... knowing that we are already holding on to something... yet so often greed will overwhelm us... so i guess.. i think anything is possible... anything can happen... accidents DO happen anywhere... anytime...

-zzzz-

2008-12-19T06:06:00.002+08:00

for no particular reason... i am sleeping even later than yesterday... came back from aiksiang's place not long ago... went there to play ps3... finally got a taste of what dynasty warriors 6 is like... damn nice man... just tempting me to go and get 1 myself... but where to find the money! i still need to get a new phone... and i have yet to find a job... doubt i will find it so soon... nxt wed is xmas... nxt nxt wed is new years eve... think i might spend quite alot of money these few wks... sian...

wed night...

2008-12-18T05:04:00.002+08:00

after 1 week out of action..it was business as usual at zouk just now.. managed to get yongmeng to join us... could tell that he really enjoyed it at the start but his battery died out towards the end... it was more crowded than usual today.. dont really know whats the reason behind it... saw alot of people.. most surprisingly i saw yeuai and priscilla... went to dance with them for awhile... feels damn weird la... i have known them since sec sch.. spent alot of time playing ball together... and we even go to the same jc... and now.. they are enjoying the kind of night life i enjoy.. its weird becoz i didnt really expect them to be the clubbing type.. but nvm.. i think i will see them quite often in the future on wed nights...

i try to get myself drunk tonight.. but i couldnt.. i keep sliding my phone.. hoping for something to come.. or expecting myself to make something happen.. but in the end i didnt do anything....

misses...

2008-12-17T00:35:00.004+08:00

my life has always been like this.. 1 time after another... i just keep putting myself in the kind of situation i dont want to be in... when i get worried that my actions are meaningless.. and that it may yet be another false alarm... yet i dont want to miss it... i have already missed so many shots in my life... just because of that lil bit lack of decisiveness... aggressiveness and determination... i am always retreating for some reasons... i keep saying friendship is the most important thing in my life.. although my group of friends aint exactly perfect.. they are the best i have... and for them.. i will do anything... but i am just getting a lil tired already.. can i do what i feel like doing this time.. without having to think so much...

seriously... my knee is hurting very badly...

zouked out...

2008-12-15T02:02:00.002+08:00

finally went for my first zoukout yesterday... we reached sentosa at around 6 so that we did not have to pay excessive parking fee... we walked aimlessly for quite sometime as the crowd was filling up really very slowly.. oh ya.. before we entered... we finished a bottle of martell... and some baileys... haha.. just nice when we went in at around 10pm... there were quite alot of pple at mambo jumbo arena already... we stayed there all the way until it switched over the r n b at 2am... finally get to hear DJ yoda strut his stuffs and hes pretty impressive... however.. due to the long hrs of walking... dancing... we had to take a break during his spinning hrs... we only came back when andrew chow was taking over at 4am.. by now alot of pple are starting to leave already... by then i was beginning to get bored already... partly becoz the dancing place was too packed.. and partly there were alot of malays.. half naked malays... at the r n b arena.... so we left sentosa at around 7am... dont know if we will be back again next yr... it was quite fun.. haha..

tomorrow is the day man.. but i am not feeling super elated or what la.. maybe its because i have already started slacking quite some time ago.. so the impact wasnt so great... still gotta travel so far back to camp to get back my ic.. then still gotta travel so far to get home.. also quite sian.. half my day will be gone like that... cant really think of what to do now... still looking for a job.. without money.. i cant do anything!

myself...

2008-12-09T00:56:00.004+08:00

one thing i have learnt from losing a very important person in my life is that... you cant depend on other people to solve your problem.. maybe you shouldnt even tell anyone you are facing difficulty in something... i believe that everybody has their fair share of probs so not everyone will be interested in other people's... thats why when something happens to me now.. i always face it alone... and quite often.. after awhile.. the helpless feeling will go away.. i guess its because i am pretty much getting used to being alone... i really liked to have someone close to me..someone to depend on.... but i think thats not gonna happen anytime soon... i am on my own..

i really felt like killing myself just now when i lashed out at her.. it wasnt my war to begin with but yet i want to get myself involved... i thought i could end it... but i made it worse.. sorry mum...sorry dad...i just couldnt stand it...

2008-12-08T02:38:00.002+08:00

i looked through all my archives just now and i realise that i havent been blogging much this year at all... partly because i stay in tekong... but... is my life really so boring?!! haha
never mind.. night time is really becoming longer for me.. the usuals came over to my place for mahjong last night... we played 3 poks until around 7am.. really damn tiring.. but i still managed to win.. haha.. its been so long since i last won them... before that in the day.. i was out with siang ym guojie and yloon... we wasted our day playing pool... having high tea at pariss.. and worst of all.. playing bowling which is like throwing money into the drain according to me.. but as long as they are happy.. i will just follow... i admit i have terrible friends.. but too bad they are the only ones i have.. i hate to accomodating my friends and giving in too much to them.. but too bad again.. i am such person.. i will complain and complain but in the end i will still give in to them.. i will be going back to camp on tues to do my clearance.. hopefully i can get it done in a day..

i think i will just let my presence be felt.. after that its all up to god's will... up to our destiny

day out...

2008-12-06T04:17:00.004+08:00

1st.. it was shopping for presents in town... after that bball supposingly at northvale...but it rained... moved to cckcc where there was shelter... in the end got chase away by the wushu pple who wanna train there... ended up playing at ntu... by the time i reached home... it was 12 already... it feels really good to be out the whole day... and its another late night for me...

i dont feel well.. been eating lesser.. dont know what wrong with me...

mambo night...

2008-12-04T05:21:00.002+08:00

i am still finding it hard to transit to mambo.. still look like an idiot on the dance floor... trying to observe how they dance.. i think its gonna take me 2 months to learn... met alot of friends tonight... i wasted my chance of talking to that girl... shit... but its ok... on 2nd thought.. maybe i shouldnt do that kind of thing... haha...

dec loh...

2008-12-01T02:58:00.002+08:00

its finally december already... 2 more weeks and thats it... i am really really very tireddd... i think it would be nice if i could find a job thats night time...

sat night out...

2008-11-30T05:46:00.003+08:00

just came back home not long ago from double O... went there with aik siang and his friends... i also dont know why i went... nowadays i ve been doing things which i dont really know why.. or maybe i do.. i just want to keep myself guessing... just exactly what i am thinking... cant really fall asleep now.. must be becoz of the 4 jagger bombs which i drank just now... they seems more like energy drinks than cocktail to me la... but its a nice drink... highly recommended... i declare myself an idiot in mambo.. i really dont know what to do during the 2 hrs of retro night at dbl o just now..they only switched to r n b after 2am..so i just kept observing how the pple dance.. trying to remember the moves... but its hard la.. i think i need another half a year to get the hang of it... haa... should i go for the parade on mon to get my promotion cert.. or shld i get att c so that i can catch the chelsea arsenal match tml night... to me.. the piece of cert is worthless for me.. i think watching soccer might be more worthwhile.. but i still dont know which to choose.. any help?

sometimes i am just afraid.. to even take 1 more step forward

i am ready...

2008-11-29T01:32:00.000+08:00

i dreamt of her again... it was during one of the nights in camp... i dont really wanna make a big fuss BUT i always believe i will only dream of whoever i am thinking of before i sleep... so does that mean i ve been thinking of her all these while? ARHGGG.. this is crazy...

went to cckcc to play bball this afternoon... i also dont know why i went... i slept late and had to wake up really early in the morning to pack my stuffs and then book out... it was quite fun but i think half the time i was looking stoned and not really concentrating on playing... played for like 2 hrs then stop already... just when i was thinking of leaving.. i saw a familiar face walking towards the court... it was val... we used to hang out together and play ball at ytcc and cckcc... i cant help but think back the first time when i played at cckcc.. that was the time when i got to know alot more guys.. pple like weijian and walter whom i will never forget... i used to have a bball family too ya know.. just like yours... but my family is alot larger... our main HQ was at ytcc where i have spent countless unforgetable nights there... that period of time was one of the best i ve had in my life.. it was when i could play ball freely without any stress... when i was at my best... but... all it needs was just one incident.. and the family was broken.. sad to say... i was the main cause of it.. and i chose to leave the gang thinking that it was for the better ... thinking that its alright if i suffer alone in silence... of coz alot of pple still trust me at that point of time.. but i felt guilty... sigh... if only nothing happened... would i still be playing at ytcc every weekends now... who knows right...

i am realllly tired.. for the 3rd time in this batch... i did ammo ic AGAIN for the freaking live range... i wasnt supposed to do it.. i was saboed... coz i wasnt around during the meeting.. and someone who was supposed to do it decided to push it to me.. make me pissed off for 1 week... and the worse thing is he didnt even tell me.. only on monday morning when we were at the ammo dump.. he told me that i was the ic... that was when i exploded... all the fucks and cbs immediately came out from my mouth.. cant help it.. just imagine if you were me how would you feel... i have already done so much for the company yet they are throwing so much shit to me... someone whos going to ord in 3 weeks time... the paper work for live range is the most tedious one... its not that i cant do it.. but why me again.. just becoz i know everything? then who the hell is supposed to understudy me... who can do it after i am gone.. things as simple as these they cant think of yet i am expected to give them my best.. nvm... for the 1st 3 nights... i came back from the range at around 11pm... started the paperwork at 12... and slpt at 2 plus... that was how i spend my mon tues nights... my seniors took a week after the range to finish it.. i finished it 1 day before the range ended... i am trying to say it is not that difficult... pple are just lazy... if you all wanna keep thinking that its becoz i am good.. go ahead man.. once i ord already i am not going to entertain anybody...

if theres 1 thing thats gonna kill me.. i think it would be lack of sleep...

what is this...

2008-11-23T18:38:00.003+08:00

i dreamt of someone last night... and i really dont know why... really didnt expect it at all.... it was so weird... i dont think this was the first time i ve dreamt of her but...its the first time i actually wanted to have her image in my mind when i close my eyes... in just a few days... i ve actually realised quite alot of things which i didnt becoz i have always been living in my own world... there are so many friends around me yet i always tend to neglect them.. for eg wenkai and yi chao.. 2 of the craziest buddies i have during sec sch... wenkai stay just 2 blocks away from me and we hardly see each other at all.. maybe only once a year.. ever since we left sec sch...
and after reading my friend's blog..as in almost finish reading everything... i found out that i dont even know her well at all... she wasnt the person i always thought she was... i always thought i know alot... but what are the things that i have done that showed that i was sincere before... i couldnt really remember it... but yet she could remember my bday every year...
i need to do some self reflections again......
i am only as strong as my weakest point...
so what am i weak in
low self confidence
stubborn
i can say other pple but other pple cant say me
no determination in certain aspects
indecisive

corner with love...

2008-11-21T20:13:00.001+08:00

愛轉角遇見了誰是否有愛情的美愛轉角以後的街能不能有我來陪
愛轉角遇見了誰是否不讓你流淚也許陌生到了解讓我來當你的誰
我不讓愛掉眼淚不讓你掉眼淚現在永遠你就是我就是我的美

grenadeeee....

2008-11-20T03:26:00.002+08:00

another key activity down for my last batch of trainees.. and that is hand grenade live throw... AS USUAL...i was the ammo ic again... the 4th time i am doing hand grenade already... and i was made the demonstrator by the conducting somemore... but my demonstration was damn good man... my grenade landed right at the foot of the target... but i dont know how come the target didnt blow up into pieces... hmmm... weird... but nvm... now.. i am only left with 3 more weeks... during the meeting today.. OC kept looking at me when he mentioned whoever want to extend ord must tell him soon.. -_-... do i look like i wanna extend?!?! no way man.. i know i am good la and you need me..but no thanks... :X... hahah

when is enough...

2008-11-18T01:31:00.002+08:00

sometimes i think that i am hard to please... and i never know when i will be contented with the things that are placed right in front of me... so thats why i will end up with NOthing... but even though when i feel like i am contented with something... it just wont last.. thats so contradicting! siann.. my current location is at pulau tekong bmtc sch 1 HQ learning room... i am supposed to be doing duty in the ops room but i am still here using the net becoz it doesnt really matter if i am around or not.. coz there are 2 more idiots in the ops room already... sigh.. dont know whats with me today... wanna talk to pple but i cant find anyone to talk to... really sucks... its just one of those days when i hope that tomorrow will be better... but most probably i will be sleeping in my bunk the whole day tml.. and wish wed would come faster and then i will be booking out! again!

food paradise...

2008-11-16T20:18:00.003+08:00

i just watched a taiwanese variety show about taiwan delicacies... damn it.. i want to go taiwan! i am definitely going there again next year... and i will explore and eat until i am happy...

siao...

2008-11-16T02:30:00.002+08:00

i think i have decided to be more friendly from now onwards... although this may seems like i am hiding my true self.. but if it can last long enough... eventually i will show my true self right? EH.. what rubbish am i talking about... feeling a little bit crazy tonight.. coz anelka is crazy too.. he just scored another 2 goals in the 1st half.. and chelsea is leading by 3 nil... chelsea is a crazy team.. can play so well but still lose to a team by burnley... SIAO... sian ahhhhhhhhhhh

2008-11-14T16:01:00.001+08:00

It's been so long
That I haven't seen your face
I'm tryna be strong
But the strength I have is washing away
It won't be long before I get you by my side
And just hold you, tease you, squeeze you
Tell you what's been on my mind

sigh.. just what am i thinking..

first thing i am gonna do tomorrow morning is to get football manager 2009... after that i am gonna lock myself at home to prevent myself from spending any more money.. nxt month is gonna be a party month.. need lots of cash nxt mth

getting tired...

2008-11-09T21:07:00.003+08:00

i have started training for about 2 mths now.. have been running almost 4 times a week.. going to gym at least 3 times a week... sweating it out almost everyday... it started out well maybe becoz i was looking forward to it.. but now.. i am getting tired... it always happen... i am starting to give myself excuses again... wondering why.. for what i am training so hard for... :/... just when will i get rid of this thought... when will i stop giving myself excuses to give up... my legs seem to be getting heavier these few days... but i will not stop my routine... i will still carry on running while i can... just 1 more mth and i will get my break...

afew more steps closer...

2008-11-08T01:29:00.003+08:00

handed up my COS already! seen the dental already! now left FFI next monday... after that is getting all the signatures... now i am left with only afew more steps to completing my ord clearance.. ohh.. i almost forgot... i still have the myord thing to do on the net... today was the last time i stepped onto the oil palm plantation with the fibua village...nxt week will be my last field camp... and i am gonna start booking out on every wed from nxt week onwards... nice

back to camp again...

2008-11-03T20:56:00.003+08:00

this is gonna be the last few times i am booking in... although i really dont feel like booking in anymore... but there still some more things left for me to do... i am going for dental appt tml... and then blood test... and hopefully i can book out early on fri... but i am the ammo ic again... for the ubran training.. sucks.. i hope i can get a last min replacement

post halloween...

2008-11-02T21:47:00.003+08:00

the weekend was surprisingly fun... for the 1st time i was kept busy with my friends birthdays which fell on fri and sat... 1st it was jack's birthday... despite all the speculations..he still ended up holding it at a restaurant at chua chu kang... but the night only started after his birthday celebration.. we made our way from there to clark quay hoping to get into butter factory but we were too late... it was already packed like crazy... and the queue was never ending.. we were like the only few 'normal' people around.. haha... we finished a bottle of vodka before we went to try our luck at dbl o.. but the situation was the same... so we ended up at the arena instead... we didnt really party much BUT it was an improvement from last time out at the bridge... -__-... nxt up on sat was becky's birthday party cum halloween again.... but this time i had to dress up... and this was how i looked like...heh.. for the 1st time i have my own mask... can use it again for the nxt few years... actually halloween is quite fun... anyway... becky's birthday party was good la but the bad thing was i didnt know half the pple there.. so it wasnt as fun to me... thats why me and ym decided to leave early and we went back to play mahjong instead... yea man.. there will be more birthdays coming up.. and theres zoukout nxt mth.. gonna be BUSY man...

is it time yet...

2008-10-21T01:12:00.002+08:00

i could still remember that just barely a year ago... i kept receiving phonecalls from my friends... especially ang weiming... they kept on shouting ORD LOH into my ears... and now.. its gonna be my turn soon... 1 year... has past by just like this... its really hard to believe it man... and i ve been in tekong for more than a year already... it really felt less than that... but nonetheless... the excitment to get off from that island can be shown on my face nowadays... my fellow instructors keep saying i look very happy in camp nowadays... well.. does that mean that i always pull a long face befoe... :/... i guess not....

last duty...

2008-10-18T18:35:00.003+08:00

tml will be the last time i am duty as i take another step towards ord-ing... wahaha... the thing i like about taking pes c recourse is that there are really lots of free time for me... i have been going running and gyming almost everyday in camp.... from nxt week onwards... i will be starting to clear all my offs and leaves... every week i will only be in camp max 3 days... i really cant concentrate on my work anymore... dont feel like doing anything already... wake me up when november ends.......
everyday it just gets more tiring for me...when will i get my touch back

2 more months...

2008-10-12T16:14:00.002+08:00

i was supposed to be more responsible...supposed to be more on the ball... maybe that was what other people would expect from me after coming back from the course... but TOO BAD... i only have 2 more months to go... less than 1 month of working days.. what more do you expect from me man... -__-.... it really sucks when pple take you for granted... forever escaping from their own work and hope that idiots like me would do it for them.. no way man.. i am now on a honeymoon period and i am not gonna care about anything already.. so my fellow specs under me you all can go and die becoz of you laziness and while i was not around.. you all didnt take good care of the stuffs that i used to do.. now so many things are missing.... you all can go eat shit and die when the nxt batch comes while i will be partying down at siloso beach shouting 'ord loh'.... i am beginning to sound really bad but why care so much for people who doesnt deserve it.. i am so pissed off with them i didnt even bother to tell them off or what.. i just told them you can expect NOTHING from me... haha... hurry up man.. i just wanna go home from that island...

whats next...

2008-09-20T23:07:00.003+08:00

2 days ago... some people graduated from the ps course feeling happy that finally its over... some feeling unexcited with the prospect of going back to work... while others maybe feeling sad becoz they did not get the best trainee award.... so which one did i belong to... actually i was feeling quite heavy hearted becoz i believe that i had really made many good friends during this course and it really sucks that all of us will be going back to our respective units and we wont be able to meet up anytime soon... people like raymond is always there slacking with me whenever there is a need to use our brain to work... those guys from ADF.. clarence... chris.. qiao feng.. really impressed me with their knowledge and field ability.. no doubt i learnt alot from them... and there are guys from 2PDF... kang wei.. william.. through them i learn the proper system of area security of ops... in short... i really learn alot becoz i had nothing to start with considering where i work at... and i will never forget pple like ryan.. thanks ah.. use my phone go and msg all the girls in my phonebook.. and finally the NSmen on re service.. it was really nice talking to them... they shared alot of their experiences with us and i really admire them for being able to cope with the strenous training together with us... ya... thats about all for the PS course...
i will be on off for the next 2 weeks... so far i haven plan anything... actually is running everyday any thing like a plan?? with the short hair i have now.. i dont really intend to go out at all... but mambo next wed would be too tempting to even think about giving it a miss... anyway... went back to tekong yesterday for tekong challenge... the ASTW instructors were there too... WO goh came to talk to me and even master bala could still recognise me... at least my time spent on the course wasnt wasted...i told master bala that i missed ASTW and he told me to go back for CSM course... crazy.. i am going to ord in 2 months time alr... cant take anymore surprises.... it seems like during the time when i was not around... the company was in a really bad shape... but nothing much can be done now... i have already handed my appointment to the next guy... so i will just wait to clear my leaves... heh...

looking at how well you are right now .... i cant help but tell myself that i have to keep up too.. i have to improve myself... although its been such a long time... even though i have lost the desire... it seems like you are still my source of movtivation... i will work hard

reaching the end point...

2008-09-15T16:32:00.002+08:00

finally the end of the 5th week of my ps course... the duration of this journey seems really short but the experiences i ve had in it seems to overwhelm those that i have in bmt... in just a short 2 weeks of ops phase... i ve gone thru a summary exercise in tekong i will never forget... the fatigue... anxiety and all the over night planning of the missions... i managed to survive thru all these and i am glad to have made alot more friends during the process... i ve learnt alot from those guys from ADF and guards... and it was really fun working together with them... after this... i will be posted back to bmt to finish up my last 3 months of service... although pple might say i m crazy but i am sure i will miss the life i ve had at astw.. which would be the last major highlight of my army life... not a bad ending i guess... haha

start of ops phase...

2008-08-31T19:15:00.002+08:00

the most dreaded weeks of the ps course have finally started... yesterday was the end of the 1st week of ops phase of our course... basically all the trainings were in camp trainings except during friday when we went out to marsiling lorong asrama to do a quick recce of the site where we are going to do our exercise lovelost... which is a deliberate attack up the knoll... actually the more important thing is to learn what are the roles and responsibility of the PS and PC during the mission rather than concentrate on fighting the mission... but more often people always get the objective wrong... and we ended up getting scolded quite often for neglecting lots of things... even our bests in the company were made to look humiliated... i just hope and pray hard that i wont get any key appointment during one of these missions becoz i really know nuts about them since i am only an instructor... come end of the day.. if i really suay suay fail the course... i guess it really doesnt matter that much to me... just 3 more months and i will be freed... nxt week will be even more stressful as there will be missions everyday and even my saturday will be burnt... i just want time to pass faster so that i can get thru all these shit quickly and get back to my original role...
on the other hand.. i have been meeting up with lychee and gang quite often recently... due to the fact that all of them are studying now... they have more time to go out... and i am also not in tekong... there will be more once i ord.... time to catch up on civilian life

end of common phase...

2008-08-21T22:33:00.002+08:00

the common phase of the PS course will come to and end tml... leaving behind only all the infantry and guards personnels for the ops phase... today.. i experienced one of the most xiong drill lesson in my army life... all of us are supposed to take turn to be the drill commander... so there is a sequence of drills for us to memorise and to execute it out.... all of us were unprepared so the 1st 10 guys who did it all get screwed pretty badly... the only thing i dont like about this PS course is that some of the guys here only talk big... they are always saying that they are doing this and that in their own unit as if they are damn freaking zai... but today when it comes to taking the drill commander post... i really want to laugh at them... they made so many mistakes that we who are inside the drill squad are suffering under the hot sun... when it was finally my turn.. i did it flawlessly... without any mistakes... and i only read thru the drill sequence for less than 5 mins... so i am sending out a warning to all those pple... better talk less and understand what you need to do... no use talking big when you look like just a monkey to me when you are standing infront of a squad of commanders....

ready for hell...

2008-08-20T00:05:00.002+08:00

ever since PS course has started... i ve found myself coming home almost everyday once my day in the camp has ended... so far i have only spent 2 nights in camp....1 reason i have been coming home so frequently is because i stay near to the camp... only need to take 30 mins to get home as compared to 3hrs to tekong... so the time spent coming home is worthwhile now... another reason is Operational Phase is starting next week... 3 weeks of outfield training... 3 weeks of hell... thats why i ve decided to come home as often as i can to get myself mentally prepared for hell... haha... mentally prepared as in getting more sleep on my bed... even though i sleep less than 5 hrs everyday... i think i can tahan! up and on! haha

enjoying...

2008-08-13T21:06:00.003+08:00

only 3 days into the course and i am enjoying myself already... firstly it is a stay out course therefore i book out everyday at around 6 plus and go back to camp the next morn at ard 530am... but it can be quite tiring in the long run thats why i will still stay in camp during some of the days.... for now we have lectures on leadership everyday but soon drills will come and finally the ops phase... the people here are really quite fun to be with la... there are alot of regulars but more nsfs... it really sucks knowing i am going to ord soon alr and i am still in this course but i just have to bear with it man... tml there will be a leadership field camp... dont know what they are going to do with us but it sounds tiring...

last field camp

2008-07-27T19:35:00.002+08:00

finally field camp is over for this batch of recruits... and my body is soring from crawling the BIC twice with them... i hope this is the last time i have to crawl this stupid shit... now what is left for me is the very dreaded PS course...
last night was phuture night with qinghao clement and gang again.... in total there were about 8 of us there... supposed to have more but some of them cldnt make it at the last min... so i guess their 'ord' function will be put at a later date... and most of them are going to study at SIM... so i guess i wont be so lonely there after all.... come to think of it... its been about 7 months we have gone back to our original companies from yankee.. and still we are still meeting up like this week after week... so i guess my friendship with this group of guys is really very healthy... and some of them might be my course mates in SIM.... nothing special happened last night so i guess there isnt anything much to blog about it... gotta book in again in about 3 hrs time

bad working environment...

2008-07-14T18:03:00.002+08:00

yup yup....bad working environment... that is the current situation of my company now... i think people are just starting to get too honest with one another we are actually looking at the negative points more than the good ones.... and sad to say that includes me too... i totally agree that sometimes its very hard to work together with me becoz of my stubborn character... and the 'everything i am correct' attitude... however i can still say that sometimes i am the best man for my job.... its very unlike me to look down on other people and get frustrated with my friends when they are not doing work but this is happening to me right now.... i can choose to say 'ok.. i shall slack together with them' but i am not never gonna do such a thing as my character doesnt permit me to do so... so its really hard to control my temper sometimes when i see that things are not going right... and i think i deserve to get punish for the way i talk to some of my superiors at times but thats me man... if you suck... i wont hide the fact that you really suck and respect you as a superior... i wont give you any face.... respect has to be earned...
AHM is 1 month plus away and i haven even started on my 14km yet... i ve tried running in the morn and afternoon and my stamina during that period of time really differs alot from when running at night... this sucks... i dont have much time left especially when i have gotta go for ps course next month....

keep on running...

2008-07-06T00:44:00.004+08:00

12km and counting... that is the distance that me and my running partner kaiwei has covered so far... we are training for our upcoming Army Half Marathon which we have to run 21km... so we are progressing as we add in 2 more km every week... our training regime now consists of running on every odd days... and playing st soccer on the even days.... so i guess by the time aug is here... we will be fit enough to complete the 21km run... personally for me it will be considered a sense of achievement becoz i would never imagine that i can run so far after so long without training much....
phuture last fri was quite enjoyable and i am looking forward to when qing hao clement they all are ording...becoz they promise they will open a bottle each to celebrate their freedom... and no doubt i will be there to celebrate with them if i am able to.... until now... i still insist that the reason why i will want to go clubbing is becoz of all my friends... and not to pick up chicks... if i really wanna do that... i would have picked up quite afew long ago.... so to me its the time when i can get drunk together with all my friends and take my mind off NS for a night....
afew days ago.. i received official news that me and jason will be posted to the ASTW at sispec during july.... it is the advanced specialists training wing.. meaning that i will get my formal promotion after i ve passed the course.....it feels kinda sucky for me now becoz by the time i finished the course... i wld only be left with 2 months to serve.... i dont feel like i am confident at all attending this course now... i feel so unprepared and i ve forgotten about almost everything i ve learnt in sispec....thats why i think i will just go in and endure the pain of a trainee throughout the course...

half a year to liberty..

2008-06-22T15:44:00.002+08:00

confinement was finally over last week and all of us got to book out on friday evening... but still... i dont think i had enough free time these 2 days to do all the things i wanted to do... hence i ended up doing nothing.... when i watch soccer i would just fall asleep halfway... maybe all these could be due to the fact i had been running 5km or more everyday for the past 5 days.... so what did i do during this weekend... i spent all my time watching a Korean drama 9 end 2 outs... this was the show which caught my attention and interest before i headed back to camp for the confinement week... so i managed to finish watching the series within a day..... not alot of the Korean dramas which my mum watch can catch my interest... maybe the reason why i like this particular one is becoz it is a very realistic and modern show... really makes me wonder how i will be like when i step into the working society..... but anyway... it is a good show and i might just watch it all over again another time when i am free... for the remaining weeks of this course.. i will just concentrate on training up for my AHM and try hard not to get into trouble... life has been good for me there recently... i shall keep it that way

undecided...

2008-06-04T23:55:00.002+08:00

looks like i have gotta delay applying for my course for another 2 weeks... undecided on which course i wanna study.... the business administrative or banking and finance... i like anything that involves money.. thats why i dont mind studying either one... :S... i really hate to decide this kinda of stuffs...
tml my new batch will be coming in... so this means i will get confined for the next 2 weekends again... hopefully by the end of these 2 weeks i will have made a decision on my future....and plenty of time to train up for my army half marathon...

thats life...

2008-06-02T01:44:00.002+08:00

spent my past few days at the singapore casket accompanying my cousins and my aunt... its really sad their dad past away just like that... it was really very sudden... all i can say is thats life... and now i am really beginning to believe that all good men dont live long... becoz of this loss... somewhat it made me realise that i should work harder to be closer to this big family.... sigh...

end of the course...

2008-05-25T16:06:00.002+08:00

the 3rd batch of trainees under my charge is finally gonna out process at the end of this week... this means that i only have to go through another batch and then i can wait for my time on pulau tekong to be up.... i haven been going out much recently because my activities and duties in tekong now are so packed that i do not have any time to think what i can do during the weekends... but i did manage to catch indiana jones with kevin yesterday at suntec city....besides afew mahjong sessions i didnt really do much during these 2 weekends... next week i will confirm whether i wanna stay here to study because i need to apply for sim quicker than i thought i would need to...
life is really very fragile... one of my relative is in the ICU now... and he was still so healthy afew months back... really hope and pray hard that he will pull thru this ordeal....

tell me what to do...

2008-05-19T09:56:00.002+08:00

6 more months....24 weeks... bout 130 plus working days... and 1 more batch to go.... the pple in tekong always say that you will start to notice the important dates once you have taken more than 2 batches of recruits... but for me this isnt this case... for eg last week... i didnt even realise that Sunday was mother's day until i heard the radio mentioning about it... and what happened in myanmar and sichuan... i only found out bout it 2 days after the disasters because i was so busy doing ammo ic i have to be out of camp early in the morning and going back late at night..... sad case for me.....i am only able to count down when i am back at home... i think most of my friends who are in uni are having their break now while i have to take back to back batches of trainees... i want my hols too...
besides sleeping late and waking up early...currently i am training up for the AHM....army half marathon where i will have to run 21km.... this would be the longest distance i will have run in my life.... although route march is 32km... this is a different kind of ball game.... so i really have to train up.... its really getting boring in camp nowdays.... besides playing soccer bball.... winning 11 with ang everyday... there really isn't anything else to do... but i have already started planning what to do during my lull period frm sept onwards.... gotta explore every inch of soil in tekong before i leave...

a week to forget...

2008-05-11T17:14:00.002+08:00

it was a really a week that i should forget...god knows how much work i have done for the past 6 days... the appointment of the ammo ic was simply energy draining... and i realised that i really cant trust anyone except myself... other pple's mistake may just kill my future.... and it nearly happened....

met up with the guys for dinner in town....after that went to clark quay and in the end.. only 3 of us me kev and sam went to the arena to look for our other friends.... i dont know why but i drank alot again..... i think its becoz of the stress and the fact that i ve been overworking for the past month...i really dont feel good man.... alcohol seems to have replaced my appetite for food...

too much booze...

2008-05-03T00:40:00.003+08:00

i am really feeling extremely tired now...i think i drank too much this week... and last week... and now i am really beginning to feel the ill effects of it.... i have been going out late at night too often lately that i have neglected my morn exercises... i shall start again by going running tml morn.... must get myself fit if i am to start having fun again...what i need now is a break from all these nonsense... at least for a month... i know this aint exactly the lifestyle which i have been craving for but i cant really change anything now since i am in the army and i have such friends... even kevin has turned into a party animal...

i know i am weak... not sometimes but all the time when i get myself caught up in situations i dont wish to be in...i always let myself fall so deep that it takes damn long for me to get up again... i have learnt...i really have.... and now its time to apply what i have learnt...

a pleasant surprise...

2008-05-02T02:31:00.002+08:00

for once i had a pleasant surprise... i thought she might not react that well to my msg or even read it becoz i am just like a complete stranger to her... however... i am really glad that she actually finds this sudden occurence and coincidence rather fascinating... its been like 6 years plus already and now we finally met.... haha...i feel happy but i dont know if i am even suppose to feel like that... becoz i always end up getting disappointed in the end....

i haven been slping much again lately.... its mainly due to the champions league semis and boon and ang keep coming to my bunk to play winning 11 at night.... the weather in tekong has been very warm of late and many pple are losing precious slping time becoz of that.... for eg before the man u barca game... its so warm i didnt even had a nap before the game... after the game i only slpt for 2 hrs and its work again.... the following day... went out with jason and ang to orchard to watch movie then catch the chelsea liverpool game... reached home at around 730am... slpt for about 3 hours plus and i went out again... -_-...i am really spending lots of time outside... maybe i will stay at home this weekend.. i have exceeded my spending budget this month anyway...

looking ahead...

2008-04-27T11:18:00.002+08:00

the first week of the pes c recourse has finished without much fuss... i am glad the warrant officers are much more understanding this time round knowing that its quite impossible to account for all their medical status.... although there have been times i feel so unfortunate that i have been posted to this company... now i think otherwise.... i actually feel that i have learned more than i would have if i was posted to a officer coy.... and i would definitely leave tekong twice as happy knowing that i have done my job well under the strict guidance of the wo.... that sounds really cheesy but i am really beginning to appreciate the path god has laid down for me... until now... i still do not really know how to use my authority as a platoon sergeant... becoz i am given the appointment but not the rank so by right i am still a section commander... i have so much admin stuffs to do for this pes c recourse i can hardly find time to talk to them... every time i go back to bunk it would be after their RO alr and i will feel damn lazy to go up to their bunks... maybe its becoz this is my 3rd batch and i have lost the fire and passion to do that much anymore so i just leave everything to my 4 other section commanders while i concentrate on bigger issues... next week i will have a long break and that is exactly what i need at this moment... time to party have fun and have more sleep... haha

back to work...

2008-04-20T14:33:00.002+08:00

i just realised that i haven been updating my blog as often as i used to... this is partly due to the fact that i am on lull and am staying at home most of the time so there aint any interesting stuffs to write or remember about.... during my few weeks on lull... i tried to exercise as much as i could but still... i disappoint myself by skipping quite afew days of running.... lack of discipline as always.... so besides exercising... i went clubbing... played ball with some old friends... and of coz mahjong sessions.... tml will be the start of my 3rd batch of recruits and its back to work again....

went for samuel's 21st bday party last night and i quite enjoyed it besides the puking part... i really dont know what happened to me... i didnt think i have drank that much... hmm... nvm... thats beside the point... made some new friends... bumped into the yankee specs there.... as usual sat night they will be out clubbing and drinking so i am not really surprised to see them there... i think i am really beginning to sound very dull now... coz its sunday blues.... book in day....yawns...

rotten

2008-04-04T00:42:00.003+08:00

yes... i have been rotting at home these few days.... watching tv... playing my psp.. and surfing the net looking up for the courses i want to study....i think the earliest i have slpt was 3am... i am so gonna die when i go back to camp nxt week... it will be quite hard to revert back to the 12 to 5am slp timing... met up with brian last sunday... its been ages since i last saw him... hes still tall... err... rich.. and racist as ever... haha... we went to cck cc to play ball with jack... weiming.. yong meng... siang... junqi... and wailoooon... long time nv see him too... haha... yea.. hes still the same... i have been running alot at night recently.. but i am beginning to feel lazy already coz i dont think its having much effect due to my weight still being the same.. urgh... i really lack discipline.... i hope i can slp early tonight and wake up earlier tml... 8 more mths!!! come on...

afew tiring days.....

2008-03-23T01:19:00.002+08:00

ok...maybe its not just afew tiring days....this week is just nonsense.. i had to do DI cum PS from monday to wed... becoz 2 of my specs wasnt around due to the superb planning of my PC sending them for some escort and course.... leaving only me behind... so i had to wake up at 5am on those morns.... it really sucks... so on wed.. my recs finally poped... and i was really rushing to book out becoz its a WED... how often do i have a wed night free.... went to zouk with kevin and samuel and met up with gaoli and gang.... i really had fun that night... shall not go into the details but... it really feels good to let loose and have fun after all the stress i have been taking.... then thurs night i went for my platoon's bbq at east coast park.... before booking in to be the COS on GOOD FRIDAY....how lucky... nice planning by my sergeant major.... and so today i finally can have my long awaited rest at home... but i went jogging just now... to jurong point... and back to my house.... wanted to go ntu but i fig out that it might be too far for me now... and i wldnt have the stamina to do so... maybe nxt week i will try.... nxt week will be rather busy becoz of the specs parade.. boring... 8 months plus to go...

my thoughts...

2008-03-16T15:58:00.003+08:00

just 3 more days to POP... that must be what is running thru in all my recruits' mind now... this is what they have been training hard and waiting hard for.... hopefully nothing goes wrong during the parade for them...

i have been thinking alot recently... about the stuffs in camp...i think i know it myself that i might not be very popular among the rest of the sergeants becoz i am always quarrelling with them... but i have my reasons for doing that.... sometimes its becoz certain things they do dont really seems right... the way they treat recruits is no different from treating a dog... and they are so damn freaking slack.....these are the things that i really cannot turn a blind eye on... so i will end up screwing up pple who are my rank.... some pple tell me that its no good going againts pple of my own rank over the recruits becoz recruits are just recruits... they are meant to be fucked... no way man... this aint what i was taught... this aint how i am going to work.... and i will most certainly carry on how i work when i formally take over PS next batch.... i can only see right or wrong with my eyes... i dont fall for warped logics... right means right wrong means wrong... dont care what rank you have... :/

-zzzzzz-

2008-03-09T03:40:00.002+08:00

i dont know why... but i just cant fall aslp... i am supposed to be tired today... after the live run at pasir ris park this morn... which was followed by soccer games and frisbee... but i am still somewhat wide awake now..... last week was a extremely busy week for me... ever since i was made the ps... i hardly have any free time to do my own stuffs... and btw... being a ps in my company means that i have to do the pc work as well... so i am doing triple job right now... sect comm... ps and pc job... and not forgetting all the duties..... whenever i think of it... i get freaking pissed off becoz nobody seems to be helping me.... everyone is just trying to siam all the arrows.... i did my ammo ic for the 1st time last fri... handling 199 hand grenades... -__-.... just another 10 more days and my 2nd batch of recruits will be off... one month of lull... one month of boredom... after that... nxt batch will be a pes c recourse... its gonna be a challenge man...

the things i want to do...

2008-03-02T02:40:00.002+08:00

just 1 post in the month of feb.... that speaks for itself how busy i have been.... but thats gonna change once my current batch of recruits pop.... we will be rewarded with 1 month of lull which means that there wont be any intake for 1 month.... there are really lots of things which i miss doing.... 1st of all... i will start off by going jogging later in the morn..... i have been wanting to wake up early and jog but normally i will oversleep... nxt week i am gonna start hitting the gym in camp again.... haven been training for dont know how long alr.... since my window for ippt is gonna open soon... might as well train now.... besides that... i am also gonna jio kevin to play ball in camp more often... so far i have only played with him once... but i do play street soccer with other pple quite often... oh well... to cut it short... i haven been sweating alot recently... and i really miss those training days in sch or when i was a trainee in ns... i would just train and sweat everyday and get tired... i want to get that kind of feeling back....

2 down...

2008-02-24T23:52:00.002+08:00

2 down.... well almost... i am refering to my 2nd batch of recruits who will pass out in less than a month's time.... base on my calculation... it will be 1 more batch of pes c recourse and another obese batch to go for me and then i can clear all my leave and offs! shiok la... sometimes i think i really cant take the stress anymore.... but being in a warrant officer coy seems to have made me stronger and bolder....

my free time out of camp seems to be getting shorter and shorter.... maybe its due to the fact i always spend the nights out in town.... thats why i didnt have time to blog at all.... cny was boring because my mum didnt want to go back to malaysia at the last min.... and i have taken over the ps appointment at quite a wrong time becoz the outgoing ps is a very messy person and i cant really continue on his work.... thats why i have been staying up late doing work lately in camp.... and then there was the sa reunion party which many pple didnt attend.. -_-... although the turnout was pretty bad... i think i had fun la... haha... together with the bballers and gab and his friends.... they are quite entertaining..... in the end the 2 tall idiots got drunk and we still have to drag ourselves back to camp for duty in the morn... i think i have been drinking too much lately and i am gonna stop alr... spending too much also.... its back to camp again tml.... another short week.... i will be out on fri again... hopefully i can find better things to do....

field camp...

2008-01-26T19:39:00.000+08:00

just as expected....the field camp for my 1st batch of recruits at dragon coy really sux... there just seem to be lots of stuffs to be done by the specs and the demand for standard is so high even when the recruits are pes bp.... i really dont understand what the hell is wrong with this particular coy.... specs getting reprimanded for something the recruits have done wrong... everything is just not right here.... i really dont think i can tahan for another 10 more mths in this kinda coy... its either i leave or i will get into trouble with the warrant officers...

that aside.... a long awaited catching up with becca was finally done today with junqi ym and aik siang too.... i was so tired yesterday when i book out i almost forgot i had a lunch date with them today..... luckily junqi called me last night to remind me.... and surprise surprise... junqi and becca are together... wahah.. quite unexpected but yet it seems nice to see them together... haha.... they have moved on.... and what about me... still stuck in here thinking of what is to come tml.... sigh....

21...

2008-01-14T19:03:00.000+08:00

i could still remember how i spent my birthday last year....its totally different from today... actually i already celebrated my birthday with my family yesterday out in town.... with afew other relatives.... i spent about half a grand on cloths which i think i am alil regretful about it now... looks like i wont be spending much during the next few months.... had lunch with rachel at holland v just now.... being able to meet her and talk to her about stuffs were nice laa.. but the food let me down.... haha.... i am glad that she hasnt really changed much... i hope all my other friends are still the same....

it sucks to be sick and feeling tired on your birthday and that is happening to me right now... so i wasnt really feeling excited or what about today.... 21st bday shld be a blast but i guess it aint for me.. i still have to book in later.... will be away till 25th coz of field camp... hopefully nothing goes wrong and i will have an enjoyable time with the fat boys... -_-

whats up 2008...

2008-01-01T18:26:00.000+08:00

sometimes... i just have this feeling that i am neither here nor there... and that i dont really belong here.....

looking back at the year 2007...nothing significant happened... the only good thing that happened to me was graduating from sispec and getting my hard earned sergeant rank.... and being able to make alot more friends in camp.... and the good news is that half of my ns life has past..... from being a chao recruit to becoming a trainee in sispec for more than half a year.... and then now a commmander in bmtc sch 1.... there were many ups and downs along the way but i was able to cope with it.... so hopefully i can do the same for the year 2008 and ord without any worries!

yesterday night wasnt as bad as i thought it would be.... actually didnt really wanna go out becoz i dont like over crowded places but jason kept calling me out... so we went to vivo 1st..... after that we head down to tanjong pagar to meet other guys and went to a pub called the house of rock for the countdown and catch the live band perform... however we cldnt stay there for long becoz the crowd wasnt to our liking so we went off to town to look for somethings to do and we stayed there till morning.... despite it being the beginning of the new year... as usual i dont really feel like it is anything different from other days.... still have to book in later... sianz....

another year to go.... i am gonna get very busy once field camp approaches again.... i hope something good will happen to me this year... becoz its getting rather tiring not to have anyone to talk to at night....

not in a festive mood...

2007-12-24T20:13:00.000+08:00

merry xmas to everyone.... its supposed to be the happiest part of the year when everybody is in a festive and joyous mood.... but yet i am sitting here sulking becoz i gotta book in later for a very stupid guard duty tml.... it just totally spoil my mood..... it had been a very busy few days for me once i booked out last wed.... there were lots of gatherings.... lots of catching up to be done.... but the most important one was lunch with eug and gang today.... he will be migrating to australia soon and i hope i can get leave on that day and go to the air port... if not half day off i am also happy with it... haa... the live run in the morn was a total waste of my time... i had minimal slping time for the past few days and i will make it up for that the nxt few days in camp.... by the time i book out again... the year will be ending very soon....

hate how much....

2007-12-22T01:05:00.000+08:00

i miss yankee coy man....

ever since i returned to D coy... there has nv been a peaceful day for me.... and recently i just had an argument with the warrant officers....now they are so gonna arrow me to do more things alr... so on wed night when i booked out... it really feels damn good man.... i really dont give a damn about the bunker mess xmas celebration becoz i seriously dont wanna spend another sec with those old men even on my rest days.... i know i am gonna get into trouble but i am not afraid to get extras... i will be even happier doing duties than have meetings with them... it really feels like shit knowing that you did things to the best of your ability and yet there are pple who keeping screwing you saying we are not doing our job... its our job to ensure and execute... since when we specs assume so much responsibility... those pple are just using us to cover their asses whenever anything goes wrong... and yet often the fault doesnt lie with us... and when i turn to look at the other specs... their eyes wld be looking down... all trying to suppress their anger....i am never one who can hold my temper against such pple for too long... but up till now i am doing it... just not to get myself into more troubles.... sigh...... i went back to sch for a friendly game against the juniors today.... after the game there was bbq... and it was time to catch up pple whom we haven see for a long long time... and i finally met carmen... haha... shes been away for sooo long.... i dont know how long i haven met her alr... and shes the one i know the longest over there... i know for her like... about... 6 yrs alr... so i was really happy to see her again... she still look the same... chubby as ever.. -__-....

its times like this when i seriously wished i still had her with me... there were so many times i feel like calling her.... but i cldnt bring myself to do so.... knowing that she is out there having her own stuffs to deal with...and maybe it didnt even matter to her how i am... although i keep telling everyone that i have forgotten... i have cleared up my mind...but in truth... theres nv a single day i haven thought of her... i dont know why but the thought of her could just keep me moving on.... and to have the extra courage to stand up against those whom i think is wrong... even though they are of higher rank and age....thats why for that moment when she msged me just now i felt really better.... even though till now she still hasnt replied... -__-... but its ok.... its enough for now... i guess

not needed anymore....

2007-12-15T19:07:00.000+08:00

my 1st batch of recruits finally graduated from bmtc last tues.... feel sad that i couldnt be with them during all their parade rehersals becoz i was called back by dragon... but somehow somewhat... i managed to get the graduation parade duty so i could join the yankee commanders there on that day and watch them pass out.... it was really satisfying to watch them pass out becoz i felt that this batch of guys are a very special batch.... no way i can compare them to the current ones i am taking... and also... last time when i was still a recruit... maybe its just the way yankee works its magic into pulling everybody together... even jason qing hao and reuben..all the attached specs in yankee manange to smoke out from their routine and watch them grad parade.... i dont know what to say anymore...i am damn proud of them..... i am really very glad to have made so many new friends during my time in yankee

i know i am not needed in anyone's life anymore.... haha... i just know it... thats why i have changed

new buds...

2007-12-02T14:12:00.000+08:00

it was a really busy day for me yesterday...i booked out on fri and reached home at about midnight... brought back loads of clothes to be washed.... i was feeling tired la but i didnt slp much....yesterday morn it was breakfast with mum as usual... after that i had to rush down to citylink to meet some of my recruits for lunch at new york new york.... they ordered the giant yankee burger and i swear that must be the largest burger i will ever see or eat man.... after lunch some of them went to play lan while afew of us went shopping instead.... i had to collect my zen vision too... went back home early after that becoz i will be meeting my fellow yankee commanders at zouk at night... it was really nice la considering i only know them for less than 2 months... the pple who went are weiling, qing hao, ching guan, si wei, clement, the 2 shahs...irwin and erwin shah.... and of coz yi hao... there were afew other girls la but i dont know them and i dont intend to either... k.. it was really fun hanging out with them esp with qing hao that crazy guy... if only all of us will continue to stay in yankee... it will be damn fun man.... i am glad that i have made some new buds in tekong.... at least there will be something i will look forward to when i book in.... and that is having fun at coy line... waha... and i didnt get drunk last night!

soon....

2007-11-26T20:01:00.000+08:00

i just have to blog about this even though i am having sit test right now...last fri... we had oc's evening... and no doubt it was one of the best i have ever been thru...the recruits didnt disappoint us and gave their very best in coming up with skits and musicals for the commanders... there were the hilarious lup sup bar from plt 2... and yankee's got talent from my platoon.... their performances were really damn funny la.. esp the mr and mrs yankee thing.... but the highlight was when CSM mentioned about us... the attached personnels... and he personally invited us out and present us with a photo frame each... all taken during field camp... and all those shots were candid shots... i was really super touched at that point of time la.... its like for the first time in my life i feel so appreciated by pple... that my efforts are recognised... and i haven fail anyone.... i was really very glad my platoon gave me the loudest cheer when my name was called upon... this is only my first batch and yet it seems like its the best already... somemore its not even my original company... now i really find it hard to return to dragon so soon... SIANZ... k... now gotta go back to the sit test camp site again...

end of field camp..

2007-11-18T08:23:00.000+08:00

it was another long night with the mahjong kakis as usual on weekends.... later on i will be meeting them again for breakfast cum lunch and to get my zen vision fixed.... i dont think i can survive my days in bmt without it...i might be getting the psp slim soon... next payday! hwaha... field camp was extremely exhausting.... i underestimated the duties of the sect com during the field camp... we had so much more to do than expected.... but overall it was still fun la... this is due to effort of both the oc and sergeant major who made sure that everyone was well treated and welfare was at its maximum... but too bad the weather werent as merciful as the commanders..... rain poured on quite afew days hence destroying the basha of the recruits and their morale...but i think its a good experience for them...so now field camp is over... relax alr... next up will be live range and then pop loh!!

i wld like to wish happy birthday to the person who was someone special in my heart... although it is not that case now... i will keep those times spent with her in my memories.... i wish that she will always be happy and she will find a nice guy who will give her his life... haha.... yea... thats all man.... i am taking myself out of the pic for good now....

i think its time for something new

field camp loh....

2007-11-08T11:52:00.000+08:00

its gonna be another weekend spent in tekong... but this time it will be out in the field with da recruits.... i am wondering if i really am myself recently.... if i am like what other pple say... that i dont throw my temper easily....then i dont think thats true at all... whatever lil injustice pple do to me... i just practically keep swearing non stop... and when my recruits were not treated fairly... i cant help but get into an argument with my collegues... i dont know why pple will want to F other pple just for the sake of doing it... their behaviours really left me feeling disgusted... they say we are supposed to do this... do discipline them... i say bullshit... how can one go about punishing pple... and then behind their back laugh at them... i call that evil... and i call them bastards... i will see how their children suffer in ns in the future... i dont know why i am saying such things but i am really in a bad mood recently... pple will think you re an idiot if you dont get loud enough...

running out of luck....

2007-11-03T01:59:00.000+08:00

just came back home not long ago.....met up with weiming who just ord-ed...grrrr... and of coz junqi whos gonna be commissioned soon...how time flies man... we went to al azhar for supper and then to liquid kitchen for a drink..... we talked about all sorts of stuffs... ocs... sispec...different unit lives... our past.... when we were still playing ball....but now... all of us have grown up...most of us are either officers or sergeants alr... so all our thoughts and opinions are more or less the same now... there re only 3 of us tonight... but next time... there will be more pple....

maybe all that i have gone thru... all the good things that have happened in my life before... are becoz of luck....sadly... i always dont make the best out of this luck that i have... and now i am full of regrets.....and now... i am running out of luck....

Softly we tremble tonight

picture perfect fading

smiles are all that's left in site

I said I'd never leave you'll never change

I'm not satisfied with where I'm at in life

Am I supposed to be happy?

With all I ever wanted, it comes with a price

Am I supposed to be happy?

With all I ever wanted, it comes with a price

You said, you said that you would die for me….

We made plans to grow old

believe me there was truth in all those stories that I told.

Lost in a simple game cat and mouse

are we the same people as before this came to light?

life in rocky hill camp....

2007-11-02T01:12:00.000+08:00

i am finally at home sitting infront of my computer rightn now....after getting stuck in pulau tekong for about 12 days together with all da recruits.... yea... i am now attached to yankee company as a section commander and i have to say that till nw.. i still dont mind getting attached even though i got confined becoz its really a blessing in disguise as i do not have to see those fucked up warrant officers' face for at least 2 months.... the officers are so different compared to warrant... in yankee... i can just anyhow joke around with them...but thats only after office hrs la... becoz our age gap aint that big unlike warrants... old shit heads with loads of experience only..... i really feel damn shag alr... gonna slp now

wasting my life....

2007-10-21T20:05:00.001+08:00

time seems to be passing by to slow for me nowadays....3 duties in a week is really far too much for me to handle.... esp when i have to stay in a office where there are too many faces which i do not wish to see.... its gonna be my 2nd month stay in bmtc....and yet i do not find any joy in it.... many pple see this as the most ideal posting but i think thats bullshit....i gain nothing here.... i learn nothing... i think i am just wasting my life away.... although there is much to do... they are not really the things which i want to.... but now its too late to complain... i just have to live with it for now... just 1 yr more to go...

from next week onwards... i am gonna stop procastinating... gotta start doing when i have planned now that i have the time.... i have really been too lazy for the past few weeks... :/...

hopeless or hopeful...

2007-10-11T01:48:00.000+08:00

for 2 consecutive nights....she appeared in my dreams.....when i woke up and went back to slp again.. the dream continued.... i have always believed that certain dreams happen for some reasons..... but others tell me that... it could be that i was the one that initiated the dream... and some tell me that it could be that i miss the person so much that i keep dreaming of her.... hmmm... well... its really true that until now... i still do miss her..... at times la.... it doesnt happen all the time... it only happens during nights when i really cant fall aslp or when i have nothing to do and my mind will start to wander again.... ok... nvm...you can say that i am hopeless but i still stick to my own beliefs.... i really believe that the dreams occur for a reason and in the dreams... it always seems that i am looking for something... an answer or something... argh... i really dont know.... i wonder if that someone still even remember my blog...

blurry life

2007-10-07T04:50:00.000+08:00

just came back from a mahjong session at mr peh's hse.... feel tired but i dont feel like slping.... this seems to be a very strange week for me.. or rather... i feel weird with myself... i get very irritated easily.... i always find myself isolated at one corner... and when i do stuffs... i dont talk to anyone much.... everything just seems so weird for me this week..... dont know whats wrong man.... cant find anyone to talk to also... i just find my life very crappy now...

2007-10-04T03:34:00.000+08:00

everytime i go home....i will alight 2 stops more than i should.. knowing that its impossible...yet hoping...that i could just... see you for one last time....

ops audit for 3sir has ended for me today.... again it was another brand new experience for me... it was my first time being an evaluator in another camp....got to meet more capts majors and LTCs as well.... i am glad all these are over.... i hope there wont be anymore extra stuffs for me to do now after the tekong challenge tml.... i really need a short break man....

2007-10-02T23:47:00.000+08:00

its really not fun having to travel from one end of spore to the other... in fact... its damn tiring... i get to stay out during my attachment to 3sir for the ops audit thing... so i booked out yesterday and it was a 2hr plus journey home as usual.... by right one will be happy to be able to stay out... the stupid thing is 3sir is in selarang camp which is at changi... so it doesnt really make any diff to me....this morn took another 2hr journey to reach the camp... got the news that i need LBV tml... so in the noon went back to tekong again.... after that its another 2hrs plus journey home again... i wish i had a bike man... if it wasnt for my mum... i think i might have gotten one alr... :/... i hope my auditing ends tml....

this sucks

2007-09-30T19:51:00.000+08:00

i am just 3 hrs away from booking back to camp and i still cant get my designs printed out... something is very wrong with my printer and i dont know why.... i also dont know why this must happen to me at such a time.... i know i can just fuck it and say its not my prob even if i dont get the designs done becoz it aint that important to me... but i just cant do it... now i have to wait for justin to help me with the printing... this sucks man... why does these kinda of things always happen to me at the wrong time... kill me pls.....

i am happy to see that everyone is doing fine...especially you.... although i can still feel abit of hurt sometimes...its alright.... i dont mind it at all... at least it proves that i am still alive and i can feel.... am i still the only one whos feeling like this?

the meaning of shagged

2007-09-28T21:34:00.000+08:00

its the first time in many weeks i actually feel stressed and tired.... 1stly..its due to the combat day.... which is a 2 day exercise which includes skills test and night navigation test and urban ops.... this was a company scale effort which means this is quite a big exercise... i was a last min inclusion in my section and the most junior one... most of them are either platoon seageants or officers... so it was quite a good learning experience for me despite the shagness... and its the 1st time i get to chiong with captains and lieutenants.... heh.... after i returned to the company line... i had to help out with the tekong challenge... the setting up of the tents and all.... today i did alot of travelling with ps salman and jason... 1st we went to PLC sispec camp to collect some stuffs... which is quite alot for the 3 of us.... after that... went to bedok camp to collect our 2ic's stuffs... which was even more... and there were only the 3 of us to carry everything... we moved out as early as 830 in the morn and we only finished everything at around 3pm.... and now i am being handled the task of coming out with 3 beautiful diagrams for the 3 tekong challenge stations we are incharged...damn... to make my day even worse... i was only made known today i will be attached to 3sir for a 3 day program... some operation audit thing which is like alien to me.... wth man... just throw everything to me la... do i look like i am very capable? -__-... i am in for another tiring week man.... coz after the 3sir thing will be the real tekong challenge which i will be involved again.... i can feel the stress already man

2007-09-24T01:46:00.001+08:00

every free day is like a torture to me... thats the side effect of ns for me... becoz at home... i have simply nothing to do all day except sit infront of my computer... ok..i admit... its laziness...even if theres a call for mahjong session... i wld try my best to reject it..... life is just so so boring.... esp when my fellow ex hotel mates are stuck in tekong with their new recruits(my batch will only be coming in during dec) which caused us to miss the forbidden sins at st james.... :/.... nvm... i thhink all of us wld be free next week...

i always thought i could get used to changes quickly....but now... it doesnt seems so

2007-09-16T02:37:00.000+08:00

today i had my first duty at tekong... i was involved with the direct enlistment today although my company doesnt have any intake.... basically i am the few unlucky ones choosen by my 2ic to carry out some duties at the canteen when the parents are there.... to my horror... i got picked to be the emcee which doesnt really suits me... -__-... but what to do.... so i stood there like an idiot holding the mic from morning 8am till about 4pm.... skipped all my meals becoz i didnt feel like i wanna eat anything...

i think i really do enjoy staying in tekong...becoz its so far away and isolated.... suits me more...though i it takes me about 2 hrs to get home... i dont mind traveling so much as long as i get to enjoy my freedom....

2007-09-13T03:17:00.000+08:00

If I could, fly away
Ooo and I wouldn't come back no moreI,
I'd turn around,
Just to see you for the last time,
See, now I know
Hey, that it won't be easy
I done fought in a battle, and I done made it this far
I gotta few more feet, but its still the longest yard

2007-09-09T19:10:00.000+08:00

finally gotten my zen vision W... cost me a bomb.... and it has come to my attention that smoking has actually become a new trend....and its really easy to pick up....

its gonna be another long dreadful week in tekong....
just when will i get my life back.....

2007-09-08T12:50:00.000+08:00

i have been officially posted to bmtc sch 1 dragon company.... just my luck man... its one of the 2 warrant officer coy in sch 1... god bless me man... yesterday was very hectic and rush for me... becoz of the posting... besides rushing here and there for all the lessons.... we have to move out of the temporary bunk which we were staying.... meaning we have to help them do area cleaning... but the PS of that bunk was such a mother fucker... he made us do stand by area for 2 god damn hrs..... his bunk wasnt even cleaned when we moved in and he expects us to clean it up for him.... worst of all... hes only 1 rank above me and he looked so pathetic.... he better watch out when i have finished my course.... all of us were rushing to take the 8pm ferry and by the time we reached pasir ris... it was 9pm alr... shared a cab home.. then took a cab again to orchard.... and finally got to meet lynn like around 11? i am usually very punctual la but yesterday was a really fcuked up day.... i haven seen her for quite a while already thats why i was rushing like mad last night and cursing every now and then.... nvm... we hanged around in town and caught a movie...1408... which wasnt as bad as what other pple say la... its quite scary and funny at the same time... haha... yea... so we were in town till 3 plus.... there is a list of things which i wanna buy over the next few months... i am gonna get a zen vision today.... next month a new hp hopefully when nokia 8600 is available... and a watch the month after... and the list just goes on man.... life as a sergeant cldnt be any better... haha

2007-09-01T02:57:00.000+08:00

this is my life
its not what it was before
all these feelings i've shared
and these are my dreams that i'd never lived
before somebody shake me
cuz i i must be sleeping

now that we're here, it's so far away
all the struggle we thought was in vain
all in the mistakes, one life contained
they all finally start to go away

now that we're here its so far away
and i feel like i can face the day
i can forgive and i'm not ashambed
to be the person that i am today

these are my words
that i've never said before
i think i'm doing okay and this is the smile that i've never shown before

1 week in tekong have passed...i am currently attending the commanders prep course to prepare myself for my new appointment which is a section commander... -__-... its actually quite a waste of time becoz i dont think any of us actually learnt anything.... so all the lessons will end at 5pm and we have completely nothing to do after that.... so i found myself playing bball.... jogging... going to the gym everyday in tekong.... sounds like a good life but its actually killing me.... i dont know why i cant stand boredom now....seems like its gonna take me quite awhile to settle down....

sigh... so many things have changed..... what will happen after i ord.........

2007-08-23T23:15:00.000+08:00

today was a super tiring day for me..... i had only 3 hrs of slp last night... stayed up with zaki and imran to chit chat and we ka jiao-ed people from other section since its the last night already... did things like putting camo on pple's face... putting toothpaste inside their boots... switched their boots around so they will have trouble finding the right size the next morn... hahaha.. these are the normal things we will do before each of our grad parade... be it bmt or bslc....

for the past 2 days... it had been raining and the weather had been good to us during the rehersals... but today... the weather simply has no mercy on us becoz it was really damn damn hot.... thats why i am gonna go to bed nw... heh... nights...